Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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