In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
