Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
