I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
