$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
