We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
