I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
