Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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