How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
