I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
