Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
