mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
