Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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