If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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