I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
