Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
