My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
