mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Sext me about skeletons
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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