tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
