i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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