My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
