Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
