Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I have fence marks all over my body
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
