Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
