someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
