This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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