only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
