we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
