I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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