dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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