i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
