I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
