I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
