I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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