Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I still have a little drunk in my system
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
