His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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