You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
