Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
