If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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