I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
