You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
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