So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
