Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
