Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
