I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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