if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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