apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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