i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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