I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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