....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
